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Features The 50 Greatest Shocking Moments of My Life (20-11)
I'd usually go to karate class in my regular school clothes and change when I got there. Once in a while for some reason, I'd just go in my karate gi. So one fine Columbus Day, I get dropped off at the dojo, (I love saying that) head up the stairs and the door is locked. My dad's driven off, it's about 15 years before cell phones, and I have no change for a pay phone. The inevitable walk home was about a mile and a half. Nothing really noteworthy happened but I just got the feeling that everyone who drove by was saying to themselves, "Why the f$%k is that kid walking home in a karate gi?" 19. Some chick telling me not to go to some party (2006) So I'm at this bachelor party in some Upper East Side bar last weekend, and we're all having a good time playing darts. We're out in the main bar area. There's a private party going on in the back room, and it's lead by the most annoying curly haired blonde. She's one of those squealing oh-my-gawd-it's-so-good-to-see-you tramps and just really irritating me. So her and a bunch of her high pitched friends are in the main room as she exclaims, "Let's go back in the room!" I keep looking at her because she's so annoying. As she walks by, she looks right at me and screams, "NOT YOU!!" I miss about three beats before I can utter a pathetic, "Don't worry about it!" I was simmering for another hour. Girlfriend! If you're reading this, I just want you to know that you suck. 18. Breaking my arm tubing (1988) We had this winter church retreat every year called Snow Camp, (read the graphic novel Blankets by Craig Thompson for a good example) and the best activity was snow tubing. It was just like sledding but on this big black air filled tube. So I'm heading with my two buds Pete and Alb and we're heading full throttle. I'm sitting in the middle with my arms wrapped the other two guys, we go over a few moguls and CRACK!! Sharp, piercing pain overtook the upper part of my right arm. To top it off, when I finally stopped at the bottom the hill, the next tube completely wailed me, pushing me another few feet back. Then, when I was screaming, "I BROKE MY AAARM!!" at the top of my lungs, my two friends were walking away laughing at me. 17. The worst Christmas grab bag ever (1983) I was at some Christmas party at someone's house with a ton of kids from church. There was food, Santa Claus, and best of all, presents! My imagination was running wild. Would I get a Stormtrooper? Darth Vader? Darth Vader's Tie Fighter? I feverishly opened up what could have been a Star Wars book but all I got was a file folder. Oh but it was an accordion file folder! I was so pissed. 16. Weird Blind Date (2003) I go with some girl I meet online for lunch. Everything's a bit forced and I don't think it will go anywhere. But I always leave the, "So, you want to meet up again?" To which she responds, "I actually just broke up with my boyfriend and I'm really just dating for exercise." About 3 days later I think of the brilliant, "I hope I was a good workout!" What a wasted line. 15. Being Accused of Breaking the Elevator (1985) Another church retreat -- this time over Memorial Day weekend. I head back over to the dorm room and I find out the elevator's broken. A crowd gathers and someone screams, "GODFREY DID IT!!" For no reason! I totally flipped out. I didn't break the elevator. Really. I didn't. 14. Being told to hit the weights (1989) I went to the weight room after track practice and keep in mind, I'm super skinny. I'm horsing around with one of my friends and one of the assistant coaches screams at me, "HIT THE WEIGHS! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED IT!!" For those of you who went to high school with me, I shall not reveal her name of course, but it was the shop teacher's daughter. You scarred me shop teacher's daughter. YOU SCARRED ME!!! 13. Going the wrong direction in a cross-country race. (1991) I must have been daydreaming during a cross-country race when I headed in the wrong direction. I quickly corrected myself but it was right in front of the coach. On the home course. In the state finals. No, I was kidding about the last part. But my coach has the loudest voice and he was so pissed. As well as he should have been. I dug cross-country. It was like the anti-football. We'd come back from a race during the middle of a game and I just wouldn't give two shits. All I knew was that there would be a new episode of Twin Peaks that night. Am I rambling? Sorry, I'll move on. 12. The Bully (1987-1996) There was this guy. I'll call him Tom Leeks. Again, those of you fellow high school alum know who this is as this is a thinly disguised attempt at protecting his identity. He was just so intimidating. To everyone. Especially younger and smaller kids. We were seniors or juniors and we'd play these pickup baseball games. Tom would push around someone's little brother who was in 8th grade. What makes people bullies? I heard through the grapevine that he looks for terrorists now somewhere in D.C. Appropriate enough. But I'd just want to go back in time and ask the guy, "Why do you have to be such an a__hole all the time?" 11. The Crazy Client (2006) Let me just say this. If you are an independent contractor of some sort, and a potential client happens to be really successful. Let's say, an author or film maker. Just run the other way. Take the "bully" from number 12, put him in female form and that's what you have. Ok, stay tuned for the top 10! 50-41 | 40-31 | 30-21 | 20-11 | 10-1 |
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